Barbara is a feisty woman with three teenagers. She easily keeps her kids in line and won’t let people push her around – except for her husband. Around Jim, she is a doormat and a very angry one too. She always compromises her needs and goes along with whatever Jim wants. No one can figure it out, not her kids, not her friends and least of all, not Barbara.

We’re all just like Barbara. Inconsistent. With some people we are funny, intelligent and secure and with other people we are shy and speak in monotones. We become a mere shadow of our brilliant, best selves. And we hate it too, just like Barbara does.

So what’s the problem? Is it Jim and his demands? That’s what Barbara thinks. If Jim would just (fill in the blank) then everything would be OK. How many times a day do you tell yourself some version of this story? That everything would be OK if someone else (not you!) would change. How’s that working for you?

Let’s get back to those pesky inconsistencies. An inconsistency is when you act differently than you normally would. Ordinarily you have no trouble refusing to work overtime – except when the request comes from Jean. Ordinarily you’re outgoing and friendly – except around your in-laws. Ordinarily you’re very disciplined – except when it comes to being punctual. You get the idea. We like to think our inconsistencies are caused by other people but that is never true. Really! Repeat after me, “I am responsible for all of my actions.” It’s very empowering. Now you can handle any problem because you are putting yourself back in control.

What can Barbara do if she wants to help herself? First, stop judging and blaming. She is not bad because she let’s Jim have his way, and Jim is not wrong for wanting his way. So how can Barbara help herself? First, she needs to stop and be aware of what she is feeling when Jim asks for what he wants. Whatever she is feeling, that is what is stopping her from being honest with Jim. The answer – and the solution – can only be found inside of Barbara. So appreciate the heck out of all your inconsistencies. They are letting you know where you are losing power and power that is lost can be regained.

Coaching Tips

• Where do you feel most “real” or authentic … at work or at home?
• Notice when you blame other people for decisions that you made. How can you take responsibility for your choices?
• Pick one inconsistency you are aware of and try being curious it. Notice what you learn.