It’s 7AM and I’m parked in my big overstuffed chair drinking coffee. My husband, who missed his early morning run due to rain, was leaving the house. I casually said to him, “Hey, it’s too bad you didn’t think of working out in my office.” I was startled when he snapped at me. I swallowed back the snarl that felt like coming out of my mouth and began asking lots of questions so I could find out what was wrong – and fix it. Yes, he was pretty frustrated to miss his workout. We talked and he left for work feeling much better. But I didn’t feel good and I knew why.

When my husband barked at me I immediately went into rescue mode. Whatever wasn’t working, I was going to fix it. And you know, I never, ever feel good when I am in rescue mode. Even if I’m helpful I usually feel tired and ripped off. Why? Because when I am in rescue mode I am not respecting my own boundaries.

The easiest way to understand what relationship boundaries are is to look at physical boundaries. You have your backyard and your neighbor has his backyard and they are separated by a property line. You’d never go into your neighbor’s yard and plant a garden and you would be pretty ticked off if your neighbor went into your yard and started painting your house. No worries, that would never happen because you respect what is yours and what is not yours, and your neighbor does the same.

Now back to me and my husband. Because we are married I pictured us in one yard together – wrong!! He has his yard (his boundary) and I have my yard (my boundary). Now when I thought about him snapping at me I realized it was as-if he was throwing his garbage into my yard. I pictured egg shells, and rotting fruit and vegetables landing at my feet. When I go into rescue mode I am picking up that darn garbage like it was mine and trying to deal with it. Yuck! No wonder I never feel good when I am in rescue mode.

Now I know that the garbage (his bad mood) belongs to him so it doesn’t belong in my yard. If he throws it in my yard he needs to clean it up. My job is to hold the line and say, “I love you sweetheart, now will you please clean up your mess?”

Coaching Tips

• Begin to notice what happens inside of you when someone you love is feeling upset. Do you get upset too?
• Do you feel responsible for other people’s happiness?
• Sometimes the most loving act you can take is to care about people and let them handle their own feelings.