Recently a colleague shared with me how stressful her family’s recent visit was. It reminded me of all the scuffles I had with my in-laws. They were Greek immigrants and our cultural differences caused us all a lot of grief. I’ll never forget their first visit to our home.

Day one – I got up at 6:00 a.m. to have quiet time. When I headed into the kitchen to make coffee I was stunned to find my mother-in-law already there. She was busy preparing vegetables for dinner using the pans she brought from home (yes … she packed pans in her suitcase). As a young 20 something newly wed I handled the situation beautifully. I crept back into the bedroom, woke my husband and hissed into his hear, “Get your mother out of the kitchen now!” I’ll leave it to your imagination how the rest of the visit went.

The hardest part of their visit was my feeling of helplessness. My in-laws didn’t ask if they could visit, they told us they were visiting after they made their plane reservations. Since they arrived in the middle of the week I had to take the day off work to make the long trip to the airport. Then they told us they were staying for two weeks (!@#!*).
I learned to speak up and tell the truth to my husband. “Yes they can visit, but they need to ask first, we get to choose the dates and the length of the visit.” He listened and began making boundaries with his parents. Was he uncomfortable? You bet he was, but he did it any way. Over time everyone settled into the new routine and we were all happier for it.
The holidays are around the corner so it’s the perfect time to begin thinking about family visits.

What would the perfect visit look like? How long would it be? What kind of support do you need to make this visit work for you? By giving thought to these questions now you can avoid making snap decisions that leave you wishing the holidays were already over.

Coaching Tips:

• Make sure you and your husband are in agreement before you make plans with anyone in your extended family.
• Take the initiative when it comes to family visits. Decide the time frame that works for you and then say, “We would love to have you visit us for Christmas. Would Sunday or Monday be the best travel day for you?” And then do the same thing for the return day.
• When you say “no” to someone (no, you can’t stay for two weeks!!) expect to be uncomfortable. It can be scary to disappoint someone or see them unhappy with you, but that doesn’t mean you are doing something wrong.