Do you have strong beliefs about what is “right” and what is “wrong”? Most people do. And most of us judge other people by our beliefs. If our friends, family or work colleagues behavior matches what we believe is right, then we approve of them. If it doesn’t match, well that’s where all the trouble starts. It’s so hard to look at something we don’t agree with and not make it wrong.

Belinda is a single mother in her early forties. She and her ex-husband Tim divorced 10 years ago when their two children were in preschool. You’d think it was only yesterday though, watching how Belinda and Tim argue. Tim stops by the house to see the kids without calling first, which drives Belinda nuts (she thinks it’s rude). Tim’s trying to be a good dad so he ignores her requests to call first (he thinks Belinda is too uptight). Tim is always late dropping the kids off on Sunday evening. Belinda is furious about his lack of consideration. Tim thinks it’s no big deal so he tunes Belinda out and continues to be late. These two may be legally divorced but they are still emotionally married.

Belinda is making Tim wrong and he knows it. When we make people wrong we tend to act righteous, overbearing, blameless, injured, hurt or indignant. No one wants to co-operate with us when we act this way. Co-operation feels like agreement, “Yup, I’m wrong.” And this is true even if you don’t tell them you think they are wrong. Remember, if you’re feeling it, you’re broadcasting it. Your attitude, your tone of voice and your body language all shout out your disapproval. Belinda may own the moral high ground but she doesn’t get what she really wants, which is for Tim to respect her boundaries.

If you want your boundaries to be effective and sustainable you need to make them firmly, respectfully and kindly. First, I asked Belinda to stop making Tim wrong. Next, I said to her, “We have decided that Tim is not wrong for being late and you want him to be on time. How will you communicate that to him?”

She immediately shifted from being focused on Tim to being focused on herself. Instead of telling Tim how wrong he is for being late, Belinda talked about the impact it was having on her. “There is so much to do on Sunday evening to get ready for the week, including last minute homework. When you’re late it’s hard to get the kids to focus and the evening is very frustrating for all of us. I would like the kids’ home by 6pm. Will you agree to that?” Notice that this is an honest request and she is open to hearing his response – whatever it may be. Belinda is now focused on meeting her needs and she doesn’t allow herself to get distracted by analyzing Tim’s behavior.

Coaching Tips

• Take the time to identify what you want and/or need.
• Stay focused on the issue itself. Try not to jump down the rabbit hole of trying to prove who is right and who is wrong.
• Be kind to yourself. Don’t make yourself wrong either.