Do your kids ever fight or argue with each other? Silly question you say, all kids fight. My sons are only two years apart so when they were young they argued a lot. Hard as I tried I just couldn’t seem to keep my nose out of their business. Sooner or later their bickering would draw me in to play the “fix it” lady and I would try and sort things out for them. I knew I shouldn’t be doing that so I came up with a plan.

I sat my boys – then ages 6 and 8 – down for a talk. I explained to them that their arguments were none of my business (they already had that one figured out) and I shouldn’t be interfering. But since I was having a hard time doing the right thing I needed their help. I told them that if I interfered again, in their most polite voices they should say to me, “Mommy, thank you for wanting to help us, but this is not your business. We can figure it out.”

And guess what? It worked! Whenever I tried to insert myself into their affairs one of them would stop and politely tell me they could handle it. End of story, right? Not quite. I made one itsy bitsy little mistake … I forgot to tell my husband my solution. It’s now Saturday morning so we are all home. True to form the kids start arguing. I hear my husband Peter head for the bedroom to sort things out. Then I hear the kids politely tell him that it was none of his business. Ouch!! I leaped up and ran for the bedroom because I could literally “hear” the steam coming out of Peter’s ears.

After the dust settled Peter let me know that he disapproved of my solution because he believed that kids should not talk back to their parents. Nothing he said to me made me feel any different. So what did my kids learn? They learned that Mom and Dad have different boundaries. They learned that when their Dad came in because they were fighting they had to quietly listen to him. When their Mom came in they could tell her (politely) that they could handle it themselves. And you know, that is what the real world is like. Everyone is different and you have to adjust to that.

Coaching Tips

• Is it OK in your house for Mom and Dad to have different boundaries with the kids?
• Notice what happens inside of you when your partner disagrees with you. Do you feel open or defensive?
• Help your kids learn:
  • To express their true thoughts and feelings with care and respect
  • That it is OK to disagree and that it can be done openly and respectfully